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Horrorscopes for January 2008 by Ken Melvoin-Berg Psychic Detective/Ghost Hunter email at: psychicken@comcast.net Phone 773-360-9171
Greetings you rotten bastards! January is here and the holiday season is over. New month, and new year. Yay 2008! Fuck 2007! If I ever meet the baby new year of 2007 I’m so going to stab him in the neck. Anywho, the year is new, death threats are out of the way, on with the Horrorscopes!
Aries: Aries is the sign of leadership, domination and control. Fighting and screwing will be the only two things you will want to do this month and you may try to do them both at the same time during the last week of January. This does not make for sweet loving unless you're a Klingon, Praying Mantis or my wife (I love you Cherish!). Money will be great for the rest of the year.
Taurus: Your ability to communicate this month will be about as timely and understood as the Presidential election. In other words you won't be understood at all. Try to keep talking to yourself because at least you'll be understood that way. Because of this romance will be bad. But money (long term) will be good.
Gemini: Sorry Gemini, you get the shit end of the stick again. In January money sucks, love sucks, life sucks. But look on the bright side, at least you’re not an Aquarius. February will be a whole lot better and you'll have a great start to the New Year, in fact 2008 will be the best year this century for Geminis.
Cancer: It's finally time for something good to happen to Cancer. And that means romance! Starting January 13th, you will find love, but of course it will happen where you least expect it. Remember that when you make eye contact at a family holiday party, that it's still legal to have relations with your cousin in most Southern States. Hey, if they aren't good enough for your family...
Leo: Most Leos will be ending bad relationships this month. Egos will be fragile. All other signs remember, Leo chicks are kind of slutty to begin with, and if they're on the rebound they're easier to lay than shag carpet! Extra work will come your way also, and no, I don't mean horizontal work. Pervert.
Virgo: Your luck will be increased by a man with a fez who will change your life and drink your beer. January will bring a raise or promotion at your job. A change in residence will bring you closer to the ones you love and increase romance. Cash good, love good.
Libra: Money will be so stagnant this month you may have to turn tricks to support your smoking habit. Oh, but you're going to quit again, right? Well, not if you're getting paid for it. And you thought I meant smoking, think about it… Romance good, money stagnant.
Scorpio: Scorpio is the sexiest sign of the zodiac, and this month you will be even sexier than normal. This is really a shame, because the only people that are attracted to you are either psychotic hose beasts or are so easy that their only requirements are three legs and a pulse. Money will be the best it has been all year.
Sagittarius: A skeleton from your past will come back in to your life, and no this is not a reference to Karen Carpenter. If you're a musician this will be a great time of opportunity for you, but your drummer as always, still sucks. Money will get a whole lot better. Romance will be weird and funky like George Clinton at a Bar Mitzvah.
Capricorn: Happy Birthday Capricorn! Money will be so bad that the only raise you will see this month is in your waistline. Time for a diet tons of fun. Well that comes with age though doesn't it. Other than getting old, fat, and poor things are going pretty well. Love will actually get a lot better towards the 17th of January.
Aquarius: I really do like some Aquarians but it’s been a running gag in my horrorscopes to pick on Aquarians every month. But this month truly is going to be crappy. Money sucks. Love is worse. Happy new year! For any complaints about your fortune this month go to www.kissmyass.com
Pisces: Love is on the horizon Pisces so stop your whining! Cash is going to be getting better but looks bad now. Actually everything looks a worse than what it is to eternally whiney Pisces. So relax already, it’s ok. Oh and beware of monkeys.
Permission granted to reproduce this column in any form as long as you slap my name and Email address on it somewhere. Thanks, Ken Melvoin-Berg Psychic Detective/Ghost Hunter email at: psychicken@comcast.net Phone 773-885-1368 |